I grew up admiring people with simple lives. They could explain their whole life or situation in a few straightforward words. I on the other hand, I had to keep quiet. Not because I didn’t have anything to say, but because I felt my story was long and winding. And difficult too.
And so, one morning in my grandmother’s spare bedroom, I decided that it was time that I stopped. Stopped trying to make things work, brewing the next plan, prove something to myself – or whatever! I woke up after a long night of sleepless sleep, tired as though I had worked the graveyard shift, and I surrendered everything. Never had I been desperate before that day, for someone else to be in control. Everything I had done, every decision I had made, brought me to this place. This place of unfulfilled and trapped potential. I was tired. So, I said the shortest prayer I could muster, ‘God I don’t want this anymore. I am tired. Whatever happens next, it’s your call.’
Many people call that place the rock bottom. When you land at your wit’s very ends. Finally realising you have done all that you can, and that maybe all that you can was not required to begin with! Ha! What a waste the last 6 years was. All that effort and I still couldn’t go back to college, I couldn’t afford it. Nobody could. Not for me at least.
And if nobody could, and I had proven to myself that I couldn’t as well, there should be someone else who could. Now that I think of it, it was very backward of me. In my thinking I mean. You would think with all that Sunday School memory verse cramming, I would remember life’s simple rules for success
“Seek first the kingdom of God and all those things would be added to you.”
Instead, I sought it LAST. After I had tried everything else. After I had looked everywhere else. My God in heaven must have been shaking His head at me the whole time. At such unbelief. That is what it was. I really believed that God only helped those who helps themselves. That I needed to go out there and do something for Him to show up. But He clearly didn’t need my help. I know that now. You know when He asks Job where he was when He was laying the foundations of the earth? I felt He was speaking to me too.
Processing our Situations in God
I thought my situation was out of His league. Either too big or too small. Or maybe He just didn’t care. That when He spoke about plans to prosper maybe He was talking to the Israelites – the rich Jews we all have come to know. That it couldn’t be me that He thought good over. I was an unbelieving believer. A practical atheist as they are called today. Oh, and I needed to repent.
But I couldn’t be more grateful, for that glorious moment my humility was returned back to me. It was the beginning of my journey back to the arms of my Father.
And I continued living, with no expectation, but eagerly hopeful that the God I prayed to answers prayers. It was the last time I experienced such harsh dreams, tormenting my rest. And the last time I felt responsible for myself. Whatever He willed to happen, would happen, and I was ready for it.
“Many times, when we hit that rock bottom, we simmer in our emotions, and focus on the past. What could have been, who did what, what was supposed to happen, how to get our revenge etc.
And I want to challenge you to do something different going forward. Think of these 2 men, David and Job. David who was often the centre of a series of drama in his time, was so vulnerable with God, whom God himself described as a man after His own heart. And Job, his story of loss is heart-breaking to think of – he is the grand master of rock bottom if you ask me. And he questioned God’s justice in letting all these things happened to him. His friends tried to convince him that he had definitely sinned against God that is why he deserved everything that was happening to him.
But a skewed view of all these things is that God trusted Job so much that even after losing everything, he would not take the easy way out and sin against Him. Imagine having that much of God’s trust, that no matter what comes your way, He is confident that your soul will not get corrupted. And that He also expects the same of us. Whatever situation we find ourselves in, good or bad, our sole responsibility is to depend on Him!
Embrace the New Beginnings
I have this to say about rock bottom, because I believe that it is a beginning of greater things to come – look to your maker. Accept the situation, and when you are ready get up and do something different thereon. For me it was coming back to my foundations – I had rebelled from God in depending on my own understanding, believing the lies that he did not love me and would not care for him.
Although it has taken me a good 5 years to let go of all the control I had over my well-being (and I am still learning), I let that experience teach me to depend on the one who made me. And as the layers of control fell off me piece by piece, I would refer to my past for notes on what NOT to do.
This lesson was only possible through reflection, honesty and communion with the Lord. It is possible for you too. To think back on areas of weakness, foolishness and ignorance, and shape a better tomorrow for yourself. What more! You deserve better than all the former things in your life, and you can get that.
Remember to come back to the foundations – who you are, why you are here, how you will achieve that, where you are now, and what you need to do – when you know that, you will always find your way back!